I
closed my eyes, listening to the crashing of the waves onto the boat
and the sound of the motor as land became solely a speck in the
distance. There was other people on the boat with me, but it was almost
impossible to hear anything even if they did want to talk. It was only a
Wednesday, but we were acting as if it was a Saturday, an unexpected vacation. In the distance, I saw a pair of dolphins emerging from the
dark sea below them, gasping for air. The sky was blue and clear, but it
was still early enough so that the sea ahead of us was calm, as if it
hadn’t woken up yet. The waves began to crash in a certain rhythm,
making it almost impossible not to enjoy as it created its own
soundtrack. The boat made a sudden stop, and we all stood there
surprised and waiting for an explanation from the man standing behind
the wheel. We all turned to look back at the smoke that was creeping out
from the sides of the motors, and we all resumed our positions and got
comfortable as we stared out into the open waters around us that would
temporarily be our home.
“There is no use being alive if one must work. The event from which each
of us is entitled to expect the revelation of his own life’s meaning -
that event which I may not yet have found, but on whose path I seek
myself - is not earned by work.” ~Nadja, Breton
I thought I had a good sense of who I was and what I wanted, and it was enough just because it had to be. Winging it, was what I told myself I was doing. Settling into a place where I was forced to live on my own, I had been counting down the days for a moment like this, and my pride wouldn't let the loneliness get the best of me. I would sit in a new city that was full yet so empty and drown out the thoughts that would make me worry. I would throw up a smile and practice my lines of meaningless conversation, because I had to, and it was what I wanted. I explored a campus with a pool of unknowing and seemingly unfriendly faces, but with my arms open.
Randoms. Check. It was something you were supposed to think about and consider when you signed an apartment. It was something you were supposed to discuss with the people patting you on the back and cheering you on as you made that decision. Looking around, I sat alone. Check. I fidgeted with the pen, but only after I made that check and continued to smile. The key was handed to me and I walked over to building 1. I unlocked the front door, peering in and getting in return the first smiles I had seen all day.
